I like boobs. I’m a straight woman, but really, who doesn’t appreciate them? Robots. Reptiles. Sauron. That’s about it. And I’m not even positive about Sauron. He might have, at some point, before he was all disembodied. Breasts are awesome. As feminist writer Gail Collins said in her New York Times piece, “Everybody likes breasts — infants, adults, women, men. Really, it’s America’s most popular body part.” But sometimes it seems like we only get to talk about how awesome certain kinds of boobs are. The ones that are bold, perfectly round, Sports Illustrated-style, belonging to Christina Hendricks, full, plush, generous, prominent, and just generally big.
Those words do not describe my breasts, but I like mine anyway. For some reason, I never learned to be ashamed. I listened to my brothers (and the world) make enthusiastic comments about well-endowed women, and, although I had a few moments of “Seriously, God? Where’s the rest of my chest? YOU FORGOT SOMETHING,” I grew up generally liking the way I looked. It could be that there’s something wrong with my brain. But I think it’s more likely that small boobs are pretty great. Here’s why.
1. They are cute. They just are. They look friendly and happy and sweet.
2. You can wear something really low-cut. I don’t dare, because I am scared of things no one should be scared of and also freakishly modest. But in theory, you can. And you probably should, if you have small boobs. Just to do it.
3. You don’t look “slutty,” necessarily. Sluttiness is a dumb concept. No one should be thought slutty at all, because it’s just dumb. And certainly no one should be thought slutty based on the basic shape of her body. But it happens. When my large-breasted friends walk down the street in a parka and plaid overalls and clumpy work boots, they get uninvited attention of a sexual nature, because of their breasts. I know, because all of my large-breasted friends wear that outfit, all the time. But to my point: I wear that same thing, and I get no attention at all. Which is nice. And then I wear a scandalously sexy, skin-tight outfit, and I also get no attention! I’m kidding. What I mean to say is, people say, “Oh, that looks nice! You’re so elegant.”