And yet, many couples do survive affairs; some even go on to be monogamous. Interestingly, according to Houston, most men who haven’t quite mastered monogamy still believe in marriage and have no intention of leaving their wives.

Take Benjamin Smith*, a Chicago marketing executive. He has always loved women with a refined passion, but he has loved only one woman in a way that made him want to get married and start a family. His 2002 wedding in the Greek Isles was picture-perfect and their future seemed bright. They had a son three years into the marriage and a daughter a little over a year later. There’s the house, the car, the annual vacations, and Little League. Everything, in fact, points to a great marriage, except Benjamin’s other women.

“I’ve cheated my entire marriage,” he says in an unwavering voice that, while not entirely boastful, clearly shows he’s not grappling with guilt. “My thing was that I knew once I got married, I would never actively pursue other women. But I also knew that it was virtually impossible that I would never sleep with anyone other than my wife again.” For Benjamin, 44, who hasn’t suffered any consequences for his infidelity to date, marriage provides the necessary framework within which he can be what he believes is his true self.

Benjamin has been with about 30 women outside of his marriage in the past eight years, and that number rises to about 100 if you include the “massage therapists” who have given him “happy endings” on the many business trips he takes. And although he might sound like someone who gets a thrill out of courting danger, Benjamin has carefully laid-out guidelines for his affairs. “Only meet out of town, not a lot of texts or calls, and the few that there are must be read and immediately erased,” he says. “People linger over messages as if they’re souvenirs. Why would you do that? You have to keep your game tight—I love my wife and I am not trying to hurt her or end my marriage. We have a good life together.” Indeed, it’s a good life that involves having your Kate and Edith too.

Not surprisingly, Benjamin can’t resist pointing to the old “boys will be boys” excuse for his actions: “I was golfing the other day and all of us—like seven or eight guys—had women in our lives aside from our wives. These aren’t deviant men or horrible assholes. They’re just married men. It’s impossible for any one person to satisfy you completely, emotionally, sexually, however you look at it. And while marriage is amazing in a lot of ways, it’s also a routine.